As a few of you know, my boyfriend Ben, a sailor in the United States Navy, and I split a few months ago. It was around the same time that I also asked Nicole if I could have the chance to guest blog. She so graciously obliged, but I was then stuck trying to find a blogging topic. What was I going to blog about?! What words of wisdom could I impart as my civilian self?? It wasn't until a couple of days ago that I knew what I had to do. I had to write one last letter to Ben. Why write a letter? Well, you'll see.
Dear Ben,
I have so many things I want to say to you that if I put them all in one letter, it would be miles and miles long. I want to tell you how much I loved and still love you. I want to tell you that what I felt for you shook me to the very bottoms of my soul and depths of my core. I want to scream, shout and stomp my feet to show you how much you hurt me. But, first and foremost, I want to thank you. Yes, you read that correctly--I'm so thankful that you left me on my own.
When we were together Ben, I had it all figured out. I would graduate college, move to Virgina and we would live happily ever after as Navy husband and Navy wife. Then, the unthinkable happened. You broke up with me and my life plan, as well as my heart, were crushed. I had several, if not tons, of moments of desperation after the breakup. I wondered why you left me. What was wrong with me? Why did you leave me just two weeks before you returned home? Most of all, why did you lie to me?? And why did you choose to be with her instead of being with me? How could she possibly love you as much as I did?
With the chaos of the breakup, I turned into a hobbit. I pulled deep inside myself so no one could ever hurt me as much as you did ever again. I shut myself off completely to new people and new experiences. But somewhere in between the nights of tears and ice cream, the days of driving to nowhere with no one but my desperate thoughts, and the cries for help, this realization of how much I'd been missing out on became clear to me--this sort of epiphany that took my breath away. I realized that for the past 2 years--and not just 2 weeks--I'd locked my hobbit self away. I hadn't gone out that much, if at all. I hadn't talked to new people. What new things had I done to improve myself? What new things had I done to simply have fun?
It was from that moment on that I started truly living. Not just "waking up and going through the motions" living, but "laughing, dancing and singing at the top of my lungs" kind of living. I started talking to new people. I started going out with old and new friends. I came out of my shell and blossomed into a new person that I didn't even know existed. Maybe she did exist before, but she was buried so far inside of the past me that I had no idea who she was or even if it was me at all. As crazy as it sounds Ben, I've done more living in the past couple of months than I ever did in the three years we were together. I've gone kayaking, I've danced in front of people and I've even kissed a stranger! I've done things I never even thought were possible for me. And I want to thank you for inspiring and driving me to make the change, Ben. Who knew it would take you leaving me to teach me one of the most important lessons of my life?
Thank you for showing me that I needed to live again. Thank you for also teaching me that I do not need to give up myself for someone else--that I need to love me the most because no one else is obligated to do it. Thank you for making me so much stronger than I ever was before. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I miss you, Ben. I really hope you're doing well these days. If I remember correctly, your deployment to the other side of the world is quite soon. I hope you know I only wish you the best, always. And again, thank you for giving me, me back. Most of all, thank you for teaching me how to live.
Sincerely,
Kelsey
Thank you for reading my post! Feel free to stop by and say "hi!" on my blog, Far from the Safe Harbor!
