One of my favorite bloggers, She Who Waits, posted a few weeks ago that she thought she was becoming "that" wife...you know, the one who follows her husband around from place to place and bases her identity on her marriage and husband. Then, Riding the Rollercoaster blogged recently about how her career path detoured in ways she didn't expect, and she ended up with a husband and kids much sooner than planned. Both of these amazing women got me to thinking about ruts and the road less traveled.
I think that as women, we naturally compare ourselves to others. We compare bra sizes, shoe sizes, boyfriends, the age at which we get married, the age at which we give birth, etc. etc. Sometimes these comparisons are helpful and build camaraderie, but other times they make us feel down on ourselves for not reaching a certain landmark by a particular time. And yeah, there are plenty of women out there who will criticize our choices about focusing on career vs. family or whether we can fit into a size 4 vs. size 14, etc, but really, I think nobody is as hard on us as we are on ourselves.
And this brings me to my particular rut. I sometimes think that I'm becoming "that" late-20s, perpetually single career girl. You know the type...the one who is so driven to "succeed" that she focuses all her energy on academics, getting the right work experience, moving around the world and across the country to launch her career, living in an (admittedly fabulous) apartment with another career girl. We don't have pets, because that would mean we'd have to stay home on the weekends. We go to happy hours after work with other buttoned up, high-heeled career-oriented types and pay $10 for a beer...and talk about work. (It's about as fun as it sounds.) There are perks to this lifestyle, such as, say, spending a summer in Athens and weekends on the Greek isles, meeting a former president and his wife multiple times, and having the freedom to travel across Europe, Egypt, China and the US.
There are downsides as well. In the past five years, I haven't had a boyfriend for longer than eight months. I think that I'm so hopped up on my own independence that I find it hard to let a man "be the man" in a relationship because I don't think I "need" one. I don't want any guy to get too close because I don't want him to take over too much. Exhibit A: my current sort-of relationship with a (wonderful) man who lives on the complete opposite side of the country. Sometimes I think I'm crazy for dating someone who lives so far away, other times I think maybe subconsciously I did it on purpose. And if you've read my blog lately, you know the reason that we're having problems is because he stepped on my feminist toes.
But you want to know my secret? The truth is, deep down I want to get married and have babies and make a home with the man I love. I think part of the reason I like blogging so much with all of you is because I love reading about your lives with your husbands and kids and I live vicariously through you. To you, baby spit up and cooking dinner for your honey may seem mundane, to me it seems so lovely. I guess I'm just not sure how to straddle my world and yours.
I take heart in thinking that we lead the lives we've chosen...the here and now is a culmination opportunities seized and crises averted. I also believe that if there is something we don't like about the direction our lives are going, we CAN change it. I am going to try to change by slowly slowly letting my man in, and not being so scared of serious relationships. I'm also going to try to appreciate what I DO have instead of focusing on what I don't. If I compare myself to other women, I want to do it in such a way that it will lift them up instead of bringing them down, and I hope they'll do the same for me. I will also try to take in the big picture, and remember how lucky we are to have the luxury of having these choices in front of us, thanks to the wonderful men and women of the military, and the unsung heroes back home who support them. Happy Memorial Day, everyone!
~I can complain because rosebushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses~
**Star Spangled Stockings**
